


Somewhere at the top of the Mountain

by toltott_kaposzta



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: A lot of friendship material, Angst, Hurt, I like fluff and happy endings so..., Ice Skating, Ice skating Gala, M/M, Older Yuri with long long hair, SO, So I hope it will end well, Tender moments after just a bit of total despair, Warnings: depression-eating disorders, Warnings: emotional breakdown
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-09 15:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8897623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toltott_kaposzta/pseuds/toltott_kaposzta
Summary: We're not our failures.We're not out fears.When things go wrong, we don't have to bring the burdens on our own.
This is how Yuri learned to trust his friends.
Extract: "He turned off his phone and put it back in his backpack. He knew he shouldn't care about the people of the internet, he knew he could still be at the top of the ranking. He was thinking about World Figure Skating Championships too, Milan was close, he was unsure of being able to win the World champion title and he was in trapped in a state of anxiety that he couldn't explain and has never experienced before."





	1. Our failures

 

**“Our failures”**

 

« _We are not our failures. We are love._ »

 

 

He was Yuri Plisetsky, 18 years old, Grand Prix gold medallist, called Russian Fairy in the early years of his majestic career and recently known as the Graceful Zar, who was, at the time, one of the most talented figure skater in his Country.  
The first time he won the Grand Prix was totally amazing, even if a lot of things happened one after another and it was honestly hard to tell what happened first and what was just a chaotic creation of Yuri’s distorted memory. The only thing that was clear and vivid in his mind was the tight hug of his grandad and his tears of joy. While he was tightening Yuri's shoulders, Nikolai Plisetsky said softly, with a tone of voice that Yuri didn't recognize: "you're born to reach great goals". But that was just a memory.

He knew that that day would have come sooner or later and he thought he was ready to deal with it: he would have grown up, and his body would have drastically changed. He saw it coming when he started getting slightly taller and his shoulders got a bit wider, his chest got a bit larger and his muscles progressively made him look more manly. He was a grown up man -or, at least, he was going to be one.  
The Fairy progressively tuned into a knight.  
Otabek told him he looked like a general, fierce and elegant: “your eyes are made to intimidate and enchant” he said once. Yuri was glad to hear that because everything Otabek used to say felt real, Otabek felt real himself, more than all the other people around him.  
When his body slowly started to change, Yuri was forced to change his routine accordingly to it. Lilia told him years before: “we have to work now, you won't have too much time” and so it was and it was frustrating. Frustration was the main character in his latest thoughts.  
He learned to caress the ice with soft and elegant moves, but as long as the frustration kept taking place inside his heart, all his choreographies started to be sloppier, more violent and angrier.  
“This isn't good, Yurochka” Yakov was disappointed. Yuri heard the sound of that sentence so many times he thought to hear it even when Yakov did not say it out loud.  
Lilia and Yakov were still working for him, together. She knew things have changed quickly in the last few years, but she also knew how to work on Yuri's programs to adapt them to his new necessities and even Yakov reached an unknown level of patience to deal with the training for the new competitions. Yuri has always been a difficult student, he neglected training when he was young because his natural talent made him shine brighter than his colleagues anyway. Things changed when he became a senior and learned that competition was way harder than it was before: from that time on, he was one of the most exacting and precise skaters on the ice rink.  
The only problem those days was Yuri himself: “I CAN'T STAND IT”.  
He hit the edge of the ice rink with fury after he had fallen three times in a row in the anger filled attempt to land properly after a double Axel.  
“How can you even think about putting a quad in the beginning of your new pro-”  
“I KNOW! You don't need to tell me obvious stuff, but my body isn't cooperating”  
“The problem is not in your physical condition – Yakov declared solemnly – your mind is not here. You're not focused, you're worrying too much about everything, and your technica-”  
“I'm technically impeccable, technique has never been a problem for...”  
“For you? Probably not before now. We've already discussed it: if you're not focused on what you're doing, you can't demand from yourself to get all the movements right”.

Yuri moved towards the bench, reached for his bag and took out his smartphone. He opened the browser and googled his own name. He scrolled the page with kind of nervous gestures, he opened some pages by mistake in the rush of pressing his thumb against the screen: he found it faster than he expected. He was looking for a reddit thread in which people were talking about the new possible Grand Prix champion and this user, SalchowKraken96, was rambling about the fact that Yuri career was already over, they literally wrote “the Fairy is dead, there's nothing left of his glorious junior years”.  
“Nothing left” Yuri repeated murmuring with his eyes still locked on the screen. He didn’t care about comments and analysis before, sometimes it was hard for him even to care about what Yakov told him after the competitions, but from the day in which he started to lose confidence -he didn’t admit it to anyone, but he knew that he was starting to lose faith in himself - he couldn’t stop googling his name and read articles about old and new skaters and their programs.  
And then, a message from Otabek.  
Otameow wrote: “Skype call tonight?”  
Yuri typed fast: “same place, same hour” and used a cat emoji at the end.  
He turned off his phone and put it back in his backpack. He knew he shouldn't care about the people of the internet, he knew he could still be at the top of the ranking. He was thinking about World Figure Skating Championships too, Milan was close, he was unsure of being able to win the World champion title and he was in trapped in a state of anxiety that he couldn't explain and has never experienced before.  
He went back to the ice rink, he pressed play and waited for the music to start then he started practicing his routine on his own.  
The first sequence of jumps arrived soon, triple Lutz, half Lutz and here you have another waxel in the failed attempt to get the triple Axel right: “GODDAMMIT”.  
Someone clapped ironically from outside the rink.  
“What are doing here?” aggressively, Yuri tried to not let that person enjoy too much his failing session.  
“I was just watching - Georgij didn't seem to be ready to go away any time soon, leaning against the edge of the rink with a serene smile on his face - there's anger in your skating. You're totally off the rail, and you know better than me”.  
“...So what? What the fuck do you want from me? It's none of your business”  
“We're worried, even Mila is. We're just wandering what's wrong and if we can help”. He was going to retire at the end of the season, he said wanted to reinvent himself, but probably it was all a matter of stamina and back ache, even if he didn't like talking about it (and if he had the right to do so, why should Yuri tell someone about how he felt?)  
“You're just jealous, Georgij. My career is still at the beginning and you don't have enough breath to sustain yourself in a full competitive program”  
“Ouch, that's mean” Georgij didn't give Yuri a chance to to hurt him, he knew that guy enough to realise that all the things he was saying were the result of a ridiculous self defence.  
Yuri started to skate again, ignoring his older colleague.  
“You're not in love with what you're doing, you can't fool the ones who watch you. No one feels love and passion, when they don’t really exist”.  
That guy and his stupid comments. He wasn't right, Yuri was sure to still love what he was doing, he made the choreography himself, Lilia just gave him some little advice, but his new free program was perfect for him and his strength and flexibility and the new style they choose for his performances…  
He hated all of those things. He hated how everything would have been perfect for him, but instead it wasn't, it just didn't work.  
“I HATE THIS” Yuri screamed out loud as soon as he was sure that Georgij wasn't there anymore. He fell down, back on the ice, eyes on the ceiling, he didn't move for a while.

 

“So, how are you doing? How was practice today?”  
“Everything's perfect, Beka! I can't wait to show you some jumps of my new programs, unbeatable!”  
Otabek laughed while Yuri was smiling at the camera.  
“You look tired, are you sure is everything fine?”  
“Yes, yes. I just did a lot of work today – Yuri faked a yawn – maybe it's better for me to go to sleep earlier than usual”  
“I'm sorry to bother, then. I don't want to make you stay up too late”  
“I love when we chat till the middle of the night, it's not your fault if I'm tired”  
Otabek smiled again, he never looked into the camera during their Skype calls, he look kind of intimidate by his own webcam, but Yuri never told him about it.  
“I was wondering...When will we meet again?” Yuri asked, not looking at the camera too.  
“Hum, it's been a while, you're right. We need to wait about a month or so, you know...” Yuri looked disappointed, he was thinking about how easy it was for him to control his growing body some years ago and how everything seemed to be falling apart now...  
“Yuri? Can you hear me? Maybe my connection is lagging or something. I asked you if you want me to find a way to come there for a couple of days”  
“What? Err- no, no, no, don't worry Otabek, I'm fine. I think I need to go to sleep, you know, tiredness”.  
But when the call ended, with a sad farewell, Yuri didn't sleep, and stayed wide awake on his bed, for at least three more hours, thinking about the last time Otabek went to his place, about half a year before.


	2. Things I lost in winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something happened six months ago and Yuri is still thinking about it (and probably he will do it for the rest of his life).

**"Things I lost that winter"**

 

« _Do you understand that we will never be the same again?_ »

 

 

Half a year earlier, Otabek spent a whole week in Moscow. It was winter, almost at the very end of the year. The 26th of December was a terrifying day, Yuri couldn’t help but think that it could take something else from him, as it took his grandpa that half a year earlier.

It was a heart attack, no one really expected it, Yuri never thought about it before it was too late to realise that it was a possible outcome from the thousands of possibilities.  Mila called him at least fourteen times before Yuri actually answered: “I don't know what to do” he said oddly quiet. The days after that phone call went by fast as a race car, he didn't even clearly remember what happened.

His mother was with him, in body, but she was absolutely absent morally -as she was for the rest of his son's life- and Yuri never felt lonely as much as he did during his grandfather's funeral.

He didn't think “what will I do?” or “what will happen in my life from now on?”, the only thought that insistently hit his mind was “What do other people expect me to do now? how am I supposed to feel?” He was alone, he lost his biggest love.

How was he supposed to feel about it.

He kept smiling politely to all the people who offered their condolences, but he wasn't able to watch them in the eyes, he didn't even recognise the biggest part of them.

The church was illuminated only by candles, the light was warm and Yuri hated feeling the embrace of that funeral’s atmosphere, the smell of incense and holy oil penetrated his suit and he wasn't able to get rid of it even weeks after the ceremony. He still couldn't stand that smell, sign of the terrible _memory_ of a loss that he didn’t want to deal with, a deadly stench that didn't remind him of death itself, but of his own loneliness.

Where would all the love he has felt go?

 

Otabek took a flight to Russia the day after Yuri told him his grandfather passed away Everyone, Otabek too, imagined to find a destroyed crying Yuri in front of them, but he didn't shed a single tear, not during the funeral, neither during the following days when Otabek stayed at his place.

The only difference in Yuri's attitude, compared to his usual self, was the fact that was extremely talkative and he seemed to be strangely interested in whatever Otabek had to tell him.

All his skating friends sent Yuri tender messages, Victor and Yuuri took a picture of a pork cutlet bowl and told him he could come visit them whenever he wanted if he needed to rest. Otabek found it really kind of them, and Yuri seemed to agree...And it was one of the weirder things that happened those days:

“I'm glad they wrote me that message” and Otabek smiled, but while he was observing Yuri closely, he thought it would be better if he had said that he would never, never, accepted that kind of invite, because he hated the two of them “ _that fat pig in particular_ ”. It would have been a Yuri thing, something that you expected from him, and everyone around needed to see Yuri doing Yuri stuff as soon as possible.

 

“Your hair is really long, you know? I like it” Otabek helped Yuri make a braid, his thin hair was incredibly soft to the touch and Otabek was brushing it gently.

He casually caressed his head and all casual spent a little bit more time than needed with his hands in Yuri's shoulders.

“I was thinking about cutting them, I don't know if they look cool to me now that I'm older”

“There's not a right age for beautiful hair, Yuri”

“I look like a Viking”

“Are you going to grow a beard?”

“COME ON! Of course not, you idiot!” Yuri sounded truly annoyed.

“I think you're awesome, but you will look good even with shorter hair”

Yuri whispered something Otabek just said- _you’re awesome_ \- and then an awkward silence fell between the two of them. It was the first time in three days in which Yuri wasn't able to find something to talk about, any more news about skating, no gossiping about actors or movies, neither curious notions about living in Moscow, or visiting Russia. Otabek was happy to be on his back, he didn't want to see the expression on his friend's face, he just put his hands on his shoulders, and squeezed them a little. By the way, Yuri looked older indeed.

He grew a lot since the first time they met, he was almost 15 centimetres taller and he progressively lost his feminine and elegant appearance, he truly looked like a man.

His muscles were more defined, his shoulders and his back were larger and he kinda looked like a flower in bloom: he was a thin and delicate sprout that has grown up and began the process of becoming a beautiful rose. The problem, from Otabek’s perspective, was that that growing progress was still ongoing, and Yuri was still incapable of controlling all his changes.

His free program, during the last Grand Prix Final, only a couple of days before his grandpa’s departure, ended with a lucky bronze medal, followed by a moment of total distress. Otabek grabbed Yuri's shoulder, when Yurio started to nervously walk back and forth in the backstage: “calm down, calm down. You did a good job, you really did it”, but Yuri was inconsolable and no one, not even Yakov, had never seen Yuri as nervous as he was in that moment:

“IT WAS A DISASTER, MY EXHIBITION, MY EVERYTHING, everything was just a giant...A giant crap”.

_I'm not my usual self,_ it was just a whisper, one of their whispers, a message for just the two of them. In hindsight, knowing what happened right after that final, Yuri's totally uncontrolled state of mind looked like a sign; maybe a part of him already knew that things were going to be really hard for him.

Meanwhile, journalists and analysts were pointing out how difficult it is to control a fastly changing body, Yuri needed to learn -as fast as he could- to deal with his new proportions and also needed to adapt his program to his brand new strengths and weaknesses. Yuri was scared of his own body, for the first time in his life and when stretch marks appeared on his back, evident sign that he was growing quickly, Yuri knew that he couldn't be a Russian fairy any longer, but it was time to jump over the next phase of his life as an artist, a skater, a athlete.

But everything happened in a rush.

 

 

 

When they were at the airport, Yuri was sad, really sad. As sad he was suppose to be during his grandfather's funeral. Otabek hugged him and look at the gate: “time to go, my friend. You can call me any time, OK?”

Yuri nodded.

When Otabek was ready to go, he was a bit hesitant first, trying to give Yuri enough time to say something if he wanted to, Yuri said only “I will miss him a lot”.

“I'm truly sorry”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are again, thanks for reading of course. I hope you have spent a beautiful Christmas with the people you love ♥ (if you celebrate it). I spent a couple of days with a friend of mine and we watched last YOI espisode together, it was an amazing episode imho and I know I will miss this series a lot :<
> 
> See you next time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading ♥ I'm sorry if i made any mistakes. I thought about this story after episode 4, and it was supposed to be a story about the friendship between Yurio, Yuuri and Victor, then a wild Otabek appeared and here we are.  
> I don't know how many chapter I'll write, but I don't think it will be too long (mostly because I get bored easily - I'm such a lame person). See you soon ♥


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